Ian Like a drink, squire?

Brian Sure! Got any Drambuie?

Ian Er... No

Brian Any Glen Morangie?

Ian No

Brian What about Glen Fiddich?

Ian No

Brian Whyte and Mackay?

Ian No

Brian Gordons?

Ian No - oh, yes yes! They've rented upstairs for a clan reunion

Brian No, Gordon's gin!

Ian No, not the gin sir

Brian Aftershock?

Ian I recommend sitting down with a cup of coffee sir

Brian (Groan) Well, what have you got?

Ian Er... Meths

Brian No

Ian Absinthe? [pronounced "absanth"]

Brian That's poisonous!

Ian Scrumpy?

Brian What?

Ian Scrumpy - 500% proof, sir

Brian That'll kill me!

Ian Wuss! I could dilute it for you

Brian What with?

Ian Irish whiskey

Brian No

Ian We've got some stout left

Brian Oh, good. I'll have some of that then

Ian It's off. That's why we've still got some

Brian Off? How can it be off? You can clean drains with it!

Ian What would we want to do that for?

Brian You've never cleaned your drains?

Ian Drains are supposed to be dirty

Brian Well I'm off! If someone drops a lighted match in the wrong place, the whole pub could go up