This is a sketch from the King Cobra's Christmas Gig 1999, that was the independent student production intended to be a performance of Star Wars Episode I: The Phan-Club Menace. It happened a few weeks after the Euro 2000 qualifying matches between England and Scotland (England 2-0 at Hampden Park, Scotland 1-0 at Wembley, England going through on a 2-1 aggregate. The college I went to was in Edinburgh, and I'm English).
KEVIN KEEGAN & CRAIG BROWN sitting in pub talking
Craig I'm sick as a parrot, Kevin
Kevin Are you? Well, I'm over the moon Craig
Craig Aye, you would be, you and your army
Kevin What army? It's your lot's got the Tartan Army
Craig Your supporters are just as bad
Kevin If they ever get let out, it'll be a real Battle of Britain
Craig A Scot's not safe in London
Kevin Your lot's glorious failure at Hampden should mean you didn't need to play Wembley
Craig We've had some good results in the past few months
Kevin Yeah, right
Craig We're a good team, it's not my fault we don't score many goals
Kevin Well in my day there was none of this 1-0, 2-0 stuff. We panned you 9-3 once!
Craig Aye, nine yellow cards and three red ones!
Kevin Nine goals to your three! Twelve goals in a match is good, none of your nancy two goals a match stuff!
Craig Talking of nancys', have you seen what the Americans call football?
Kevin Yeah, shocking
Craig It's just rugby for wusses! Our lads don't wear three feet of padding before grappling with each other
Kevin I'd be careful how you say that, if I were you
© Brian Wakeling