I went to the last ever CCDE in 2005. I didn't realise they had a maskerade until I saw it. When I did, I tried to think of something to do for the next one in two years time (already having something for DWCon06). Unfortunately, no-one knew it was the last ever CCDE until after the event, so I had to wait until DWCon08 to perform this. The full version runs to over three minutes, so as there was a two minute time limit on entries, I had to take a chainsaw to it. Both versions are given here.
NIGEL, in full gear with drawn sword, runs, yelling, on stage. He trips on the last step and falls flat on his face. He scrambles up, retrieves his sword and lurches to CENTRE STAGE.
NIJEL Aha! [He swings the sword - he has to use both hands to control it] I am Nijel the Destroyer, Son of Harebut the Provision Merchant, and I am... er... Hang on!
He rests the sword point-down on the ground, hilt to his body, as he pulls a small battered book out of a pouch at his belt. He thumbs through the book.
NIJEL I am on a geas - no, wait, sorry, I am under a geas...
He stops and looks up, nervously. He thumbs back a page or two and starts again.
NIJEL I am on a quest! To... [Thumbs forward] "To find the secret temple-stroke-steal the sacred moon jewels of insert-place-here-stroke-rescue the princess and-stroke-or virgin from sacrifice-stroke-avenge my family-stroke-father-stroke-mother-stroke-friend-stroke-slaughterer of my village-stroke"... [looks up] Hang on, I'm not doing all those! I'm not looking for a temple, I might look for the jewels later, and I don't think I should be rescuing princesses and-stroke-or virgins from sacrifice. I mean, that's interfering with someone else's religion, and you can get into trouble for things like that. Apart from the fact that I promised my mother I'd leave that sort of thing until I find the right girl. So that means... [looks at book] I am under a geas - I am on a quest, to avenge my father..? [looks up] He's not dead! Although, he was complaining something shocking about the prices he's being charged for wholesale cabbages the other week. Does that count? I suppose it might, if there's nothing else to do. Right then.
He puts the book away and heaves the sword up. After getting it under control, he flourishes it and shouts:
NIJEL I am Nijel the Destoyer, son of Harebut the Provision Merchant, and I am on a quest to avenge my father over wholesale cabbage prices! I shall not...
Sword down, book out, thumb thumb thumb.
NIJEL Ah - "I shall not rest on this task-stroke-quest-stroke-adventure until his-stroke-her unquiet spirit is laid to rest-stroke-the treasure-stroke-talisman-stroke-staff is in my hand-stroke-I am standing at its' gates". Er... I shall not rest until he is paying less for his cabbages!
Book away, sword up, flourish.
NIJEL I swear that... Well, I promised my mother I wouldn't swear unless I really have to, but you can't do a lot without swearing when you're a barbarian hero. I swear that... I swear... Er...
Sword down, book out - it's upside-down - thumb thumb thumb.
NIJEL "I swear that this shall be so by (turn to appendix D for list of good things to swear by, turn to appendix E for list of good things to swear at)". [Thumbs to the back of the book] Appendix... D! Now, where are we? I had a few ones I liked the look of already underlined in case I needed them... Ah! "By Grabthar's Hammer, by the Suns of Morvan, you shall be avenged!" He shall be avenged, even.
Book away, sword up, flourish, nearly drop it, recover.
NIJEL Right, what does that leave me with? Umm... [Rests sword on shoulder and screws up eyes in thought - mutters to himself] Nijel the Destroyer, Harebut, quest to avenge, not rest until, Grabthar's Hammer. [Out loud] Right! I am Nijel the Destroyer, son of Harebut the Provision Merchant, and I am on a quest to avenge my father over wholesale cabbage prices! I shall not rest until he is paying less for his cabbages! I swear by Grabthar's Hammer, by the suns of Morvan, he shall be avenged!
Does very fancy complicated sword-swinging, ends by throwing it up in the air and scurrying out of the way as it comes down. Picks it up gingerly.
NIJEL [As he leaves the stage] Right - er - right. Yes, well, I'll be - I'll just, er - You know. I'll be, er, on my way then, shall I?
NIJEL, in full gear with drawn sword, runs, yelling, on stage. He trips and stumbles, retrieves his sword and lurches to CENTRE STAGE.
NIJEL Aha! [He swings the sword - he has to use both hands to control it] I am Nijel the Destroyer, Son of Harebut the Provision Merchant, and I am... er... Hang on!
He rests the sword point-down on the ground, hilt to his body, as he pulls a small battered book out of a pouch at his belt. He thumbs through the book.
NIJEL I am under a geas...
He stops and looks up, nervously. Book.
NIJEL I am on a quest! To... "To find the secret temple-stroke-steal the sacred moon jewels-stroke-rescue the princess from sacrifice-stroke-avenge my parents-stroke-friend-stroke-slaughter of my village"... [looks up] I can't do all those! I'm not looking for a temple, or the jewels, and I don't think I should be rescuing princesses from sacrifice. That's interfering with someone else's religion, you can get into trouble for that. So that means... [looks at book] I am on a quest to avenge my parents..? [looks up] Who ... aren't dead! Although, my dad was complaining about the prices he's being charged for wholesale cabbages the other week. Right then.
He flourishes the sword and shouts:
NIJEL I am Nijel the Destoyer, son of Harebut the Provision Merchant, and I am on a quest to avenge my father over wholesale cabbage prices! I shall not...
Sword down, thumb through book.
NIJEL Ah - "I shall not rest on this task-stroke-quest until their unquiet spirits are laid to rest-stroke-the treasure-stroke-talisman is in my hand-stroke-I am standing at its' gates". Er... I shall not rest until he is paying less for his cabbages!
Flourish.
NIJEL I swear that... I swear... Er...
Sword down, thumb thumb thumb.
NIJEL "I swear that this shall be so by (turn to appendix D for list of things to swear by, turn to appendix E for list of things to swear at)". [Thumbs to the back of the book] Appendix... D! Right - I had a few underlined in case I needed them... Ohhh! Good one!
Book away, sword up.
NIJEL Right, that leaves me with ... [Thinks. Flourishes sword] I am Nijel the Destroyer, son of Harebut the Provision Merchant, and I am on a quest to avenge my father over wholesale cabbage prices! I shall not rest until he is paying less for his cabbages! I swear this by Grabthar's Hammer, by the suns of Morvan, he shall be avenged!
Does a really impressive sword flourish - and loses control, dropping it. He sidles off.
NIJEL [As he leaves the stage] Right - er - right. Yes, well, I'll be - I'll just, er - You know. I'll be, er, on my way then, shall I?
© Brian Wakeling